TRENTON, NJ – MMove over, MAGA hats—Governor Phil Murphy has been quietly making New Jersey great again in his own inimitable way.
Sure, his methods might’ve ruffled a few feathers (and bank accounts), but let’s take a stroll through the Garden State’s golden era under Murphy’s reign, where every disaster is just a cleverly disguised blessing.
First up, Murphy’s COVID lockdown masterpiece.
Back in 2020, he heroically shuttered small businesses across the state, turning bustling Main Streets into ghost towns.
Sure, thousands of mom-and-pop shops went belly-up, but think of the silver lining: all that empty retail space is now primed for the next wave of vape shops, cannabis dispensary, welfare office, check cashing and dollar stores.
Who needs a family-owned bakery when you can buy a $1 spatula and a mango-flavored Juul pod on the same block as where you cash your welfare check?
Then there’s his bold foray into wind energy—a $300 million boondoggle that left taxpayers footing the bill for turbines that mostly just spin in our dreams.
Critics call it a waste, but Murphy’s supporters argue it’s a visionary investment in a future where we all live in darkness, warmed only by the smug glow of environmental superiority.
Besides, what were you going to do with that tax money anyway? Spend it on frivolous things like cigarettes or another tattoo of your ex’s name?
Murphy saved you from yourself.
Let’s not forget his nursing home strategy during the pandemic.
By mandating that COVID-positive patients return to care facilities, Murphy inadvertently turbocharged turnover at the state’s elder homes.
Yes, thousands of veterans and seniors tragically passed away, but look on the bright side: there’s now plenty of room for the next generation of bingo enthusiasts, and the state’s Medicare rolls are lighter than ever.
Efficiency, thy name is Phil.
Housing?
Murphy’s got that covered too.
By rolling out the welcome mat for illegal migrants and turning New Jersey into a sanctuary state, he’s driven housing prices through the roof. Homeowners who were once scraping by can now sell their modest ranchers for double what they paid eight years ago, cash out, and retire to Florida or South Carolina.
Sure, renters and first-time buyers are screwed, but who needs affordable housing when you can just live in your car—or better yet, someone else’s state?
And don’t get too attached to that gas-guzzling 2021 Toyota Corolla, because Murphy’s banning gas cars faster than you can say “electric vehicle tax credit.”
It’s about time you ditched that jalopy anyway—nothing screams “I’ve given up” like a four-year-old sedan with a dented bumper.
Embrace the future: a $70,000 Tesla you can’t charge because the grid’s still recovering from the last nor’easter.
Crime is another area where Murphy’s brilliance shines.
By handcuffing police—figuratively, of course—he’s ensured that New Jersey’s petty criminals can thrive without fear of those pesky literal handcuffs. Shoplift a TV from Best Buy? Smash a car window for some loose change?
Go right ahead! Murphy’s vision is a state where the only thing getting arrested is your sense of personal responsibility.
Finally, let’s toast to his year-long school lockdown, a gift to children everywhere.
While other states rushed kids back to class, Murphy gave New Jersey’s youth an unforgettable 2020-2021 vacation. Sure, test scores plummeted and Zoom fatigue set in, but what’s a little learning loss compared to a solid year of Fortnite and TikTok dances?
It’s the kind of childhood memory that builds character—or at least a killer gaming Twitch stream.
So here’s to Phil Murphy, the governor who turned lemons into lemonade so sour it’s basically battery acid. New Jersey may be battered, broke, and a little bewildered, but it’s great again—at least for those with a dark sense of humor and a one-way ticket out of state.