Picture this: the Environmental Protection Agency, the same federal overlords who’ll fine you for so much as sneezing near a puddle in Iowa, has been caught with unsafe water in its own buildings. Yes, the agency that’s supposed to be saving the planet can’t even keep the water in its abandoned offices safe enough to drink. You truly can’t make this stuff up.
And who’s calling them out? Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa, who essentially told the EPA to, and I quote, “Get the lead out”—literally.
A Plot Twist in Governmental Irony
Apparently, the pandemic sent most federal workers home to telework, leaving countless government buildings nearly deserted. You know what happens when water pipes aren’t used for four years? They turn into petri dishes for lead, copper, and the kind of bacteria that could give even the toughest immune systems a run for their money.
What’s worse is that this isn’t just affecting random cubicles and storage closets. Some of these buildings house child care centers. Yes, kids. While the EPA is busy regulating water in remote farm ditches, toddlers are being exposed to lead-laced tap water in government daycares.
That’s ok, President Donald Trump and Elon Musk will soon solve the problem through layoffs and the government selling and ending leases on all of the empty offices America is paying for in D.C.
How Did It Get This Bad?
The water in these buildings didn’t just suddenly become unsafe. According to Ernst, toxic water has been a problem for years. But it’s only now, with reports surfacing about teleworking abuses and federal buildings being used at less than 25% capacity, that this issue is making headlines.
Blame stagnation—not just of the water but also of government bureaucracy. When people stopped coming to the office, water usage plummeted, and with it, the quality of the water flowing through the pipes. But rather than address this problem head-on, the EPA somehow stayed blissfully unaware of the hazardous conditions in its own backyard.
A Bureaucratic Bungling Bonanza
Here’s where it gets wild. The EPA’s apparent neglect is part of a broader pattern of federal government mismanagement that Ernst has been railing against. From telework abuses to federal employees raking in locality pay bonuses despite moving to lower-cost areas, the inefficiencies keep piling up.
And then there’s the cherry on top: a whistleblower recently revealed that one federal employee managed to get arrested for drinking and driving during work hours—and still got paid. If this were a Netflix drama, it’d be too absurd to binge.
What’s Next for the EPA?
Senator Ernst is demanding answers from EPA Administrator Michael Regan, and honestly, she deserves them. How can the EPA credibly regulate anyone else’s water when they can’t even manage their own?
If not, Donald Trump may have other ideas for the EPA and its rampant waste, toxic water, and overspending.
So, the next time you’re lectured about conserving water or protecting a wetland, just remember: the EPA’s own taps might be dispensing more toxins than they’re preventing. America, where even the watchdogs need a watchdog.