The following satire was originally published by Zerg Report, a lighter-side comedy website. It is not a true story but based on real-life experiences.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Via ZergReport – Nancy Pelosi today unveiled her 2021 Trump Impeachment schedule for the U.S. Congress that calls for new impeachment hearings from March through December. Pelosi delivered the new schedule to members of Congress so they can plan their vacations accordingly.
“We must impeach,” Pelosi said. “We must impeach President Donald J. Trump for the heinous acts he committed against the people of the United States. We must impeach.”
When reminded that Trump was no longer president of the United States, Pelosi started to shake violently, repeating, “We must impeach!”
In March, Pelosi will file an article of impeachment against Trump saying that his job creation policy prior to the COVID-19 pandemic violated the civil rights of her constituents in San Francisco to remain homeless and defecate on city streets.
“Donald Trump is a tyrant,” Pelosi said. “The people in my district if they choose to remain homeless and defecate on the streets of San Francisco, who the hell is he to offer them a job and radically alter their accepted way of life?”
In April, Pelosi will file an article of impeachment seeking to set the table to launch criminal charges against the President. In 2019, Trump invited the Clemson football team to the White House and served them McDonald’s fast food.
“Here you see, well, you know, a bunch of fit young men, and this monster gave them McDonald’s,” Pelosi said as she began mixing her second Tom Collins of the morning. “He tried to poison their young strong bodies, we must impeach!”
Pelosi then started muttering to herself random intelligible phrases, all of which included the word “Trump”.
While many members of Congress, even some Democrats raised an eyebrow or two, Pelosi found an unlikely ally in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
“Nancy and I don’t usually see eye to eye on many things, literally, you know,” AOC said. “Like, other than you know, I was a bartender and she’s a fall down, stumbling drunk boomer.”
AOC said she fully supported Pelosi’s twelve-month impeachment schedule.
“Yes, we definitely need to impeach Trump, we need to impeach Ted Cruz for attempted murder and we definitely need to impeach Dan Crenshaw because that silly eye patch thingy he wears scares the bejeezus out of me when he’s behind me in the hallway. I seriously think he’s a radical right-wing pirate hired by Q-anon to assassinate me.”
We went back to Pelosi’s office to ask her how long she plans on extending the impeachment schedule should the next 12 regularly scheduled impeachments end in more acquittals, but by the time we returned to her office at 11:24 am, she was already passed out with her head on the desk clutching an empty bottle of gin.