Entertainment

Review: Piper Perabo’s Lackluster Performance in D.C. Thriller “We Are Spartacus” Fails to Deliver

Washington, D.C.– Piper Perabo, that girl from Toms River who made it big in Coyote Ugly nearly ten years ago made a cameo appearance this week in the D.C. Blockbuster “We are Spartacus”.

It was a small role, supporting yelling and screaming liberals at the evil Judge Kavanaugh from within the chamber of evil.

Although Perabo had no lines in the screenplay, she played the role of woman quietly getting arrested better than any Hollywood role she’s played previously.

“I’m a big fan of Perabo, but this time around, she just looked like a wet noodle,” said one fan who watched the show. “She just didn’t do enough in her supporting role to aid the other screaming lunatics…you know…she could have thrown a f#$& Trump or Hell no, I won’t go, but she just kind of limped out of the room…I was very disappointed.”

“We are Spartacus” features a boy from Jersey, Spartacus (Cory Booker) and The Annoying Stepmom (Kamala Harris).     While Spartacus and the Annoying Stepmom take on Judge Evil, the Master of Death (Brett Kavanaugh) with hours of nerve dulling and repetitive dialogue, Perabo and her zany band, called the Pink Pussyhats, distract Judge Evil long enough so Spartacus can reveal the secret master plan Judge Evil and his gargoyles have hid from society.

In Perabo’s cameo, the Pink Pussyhats were violently attacking Judge Evil as a band of Adolf Hitler’s (Donald Trump) brownshirts stormed the Chamber of Evil to dispatch the threat.

“The way she just sort of slowly half stands all hunched over and quiet left me wanting more,”  another fan griped. “I mean that quick look to her left before being dragged to her death just didn’t sell me…I hope in her next roles, she puts a little more umpf into it.”

In what can be described as a horribly written screenplay, the star actress was the first one to go.  In most suspense flicks, they usually make it to the end.

“She had 4 seconds, at most of screen time,” announced another fan. “Literally, she was the first one on the show to be killed…before she even said a word.  I didn’t even get to know her character, unlike screaming suit guy, who got dragged to his death by his tie.”

“It was a great show to watch, the scene where the Pink Pussyhats were letting out crazed and blood curdling screams was very suspenseful, it was marvelously unexpected,” said another fan. “Usually these kinds of dramas are boring, dull and uneventful…but you know, I didn’t even know Perabo was in this movie…I found out a few days later on Twitter, after she let everyone know she was actually in it…I had to Google her to see who she even was, then watch again to see which one she was…not a great performance for a Golden Globe winner.”

After the screening, Perabo announced she was arrested for her dismal performance.

“I was just arrested for civil disobedience in the Kavanaugh hearings,” she Tweeted after being silently taken away by authorities. “Many citizens before me have fought for the equal rights of women. I can’t be silent [though she was] when someone is nominated to the Supreme Court who would take our equal rights away.”

Many feel Perabo was simply trying to gain some name recognition for her upcoming movie, Angel Has Fallen, directed by Ric Roman Waugh.   Apparently there is a whole “Has Fallen” movie trilogy going on behind the scenes, which has received some all around terrible reviews through the years.

All facts from this story have been verified by an anonymous White House source, vetted by the New York Times.

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