SOMEWHERE IN THE ASTEROID BELT-Supreme Commander Zitnakz Fritzbzech has just announced he is calling off his impending invasion of the planet Earth.
“I just can’t,” Frizbzech said to his generals at this morning’s invasion briefing. “Have you actually seen them?”
Frizbzech said his invasion fleet from the planet we have identified as Kepler 44-c intercepted signals from America’s Voyager 1 space probe recognized those signals as signs of advanced life forms that may at one point threaten his planet’s safety and security.
“As we got closer to Earth, we began picking up television signals,” he said. “We watched for days on end. We eventually realized you earthlings refer to this as a ‘trainwreck’. We were watching a complete and utter trainwreck for the past two weeks as we passed Mars and made our way through the asteroid belt.”
Frizbzech said in the past two weeks, his top generals unanimously agreed that earth posed absolutely no threat to their existence and decided to call off the invasion.
“They’re going to destroy themselves,” said General Kfizzlekop. “They don’t need us and there’s nothing of any value down there that we can use.”
The invading force said they gathered daily intelligence briefings from broadcast news networks MSNBC and CNN.
“It really makes my life as the chief intelligence officer of the fleet difficult when there’s no intelligence to analyze,” said the fleet’s security director. “From the intelligence I obtained, I told the Supreme Commander, there is no intelligent life forms down there. He didn’t believe me at first, but as we got closer, they all realized I was right. It was difficult in the early days. They all laughed at me and second-guessed my reports.”
He cited Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo’s newscasts as solid proof that no intelligent life exists on earth.
“It feel a lot better about myself today…they actually invite me to the dinner parties again, so all is good,” he added.